Trailer Park Elves 5: A Humorous LitRPG Slice-of-Life Adventure by Michael Dalton & Adam Lance

Author:Michael Dalton & Adam Lance [Dalton, Michael & Lance, Adam]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2025-06-20T00:00:00+00:00

Chapter 14

Dreams of the Dolmen



A dozen Jolenes, each palm-sized and dressed as a variation on a clown theme, pulled themselves free of the hexagonal wall plates. Thrashing as they emerged, these versions of the woman were just as statuesque and inhumanly proportioned as the real thing, their conical breasts jutting above tiny waists.

Eyes fixing on Colton, they each spoke in a slightly different variation of the Wasp Queen’s voice.

“There you are!” one said. “Our Coltie!” another chimed in. A group of three Jolenes groped themselves, fluttering and gripping their own breasts as if to offer them to him. “What do those other women have we don’t, baby?” Still others just moaned at the sight of him, the sounds high-pitched and squeaky.

“Uh, why do they sound like that?” Ruby asked, nervously moving next to Colton as she stared down the corridor.

“Something to do with clowns, I’d guess,” he replied, wincing as the swarm of miniature Queens oriented on the dragon-kin.

Pointing as one, the group declared, “BE GONE, THIEF!”

Their stingers extended to full length, the creatures shot toward Ruby, hate and rage in their eyes.

Summoning an oversized frying pan, Colton stepped in front of the confused dragon-kin girl. As he did, he felt one of his class benefits kick in. Doin’ Shit Faster coupled with the additive benefits of the alcohol he’d swigged practically transformed him into a Trailer Park Ninja.

Skills he hadn’t known he possessed (and, frankly, had never really needed to use), came to the forefront. First, he backhanded two Jolenes, then slid into a whirling spin kick to slam a third into the wall. The motion sent him into a full rotation, allowing him to bring the pan to bear against three more.

Squeezing her lips together, Ruby spit fire at one that got past the improbable killing machine that was her boyfriend. It came out as a lance of white-hot flame, incinerating a tiny Jolene in mid-sting.

Michael Bolton’s broom swung over her shoulder, knocking a sneaky one out of its trajectory and toward Colton’s back. “Nine o’clock,” the Aussie called.

Colton responded without looking, bringing his fist back to smash the flying wasp into paste.

Dickdog joined in. Crouching low on all fours, he snatched up two Jolene clones that had taken to the ground and crawled toward Ruby’s unprotected legs. He snapped one in half with his jaws and clawed the other with a paw.

The fight lasted all of a few seconds before the tiny threats were dealt with, their bodies turned into—

“Dolmans,” Mr. Macy said, pointing at the remains of one near Colton’s foot. In death, the creatures had reverted from miniature Jolenes to something like little hairless, winged rats. Their heads were oversized, large black eyes lidless and wide. Translucent blood oozed from their wounds as the corpses quickly liquefied, then turned to steam, vanishing as quickly as they’d appeared.

“Dolmen?” Michael Bolton echoed, shaking his head. “I hate those.”

“What are they?” Colton asked, frying pan ready as he glanced back at his friends. Fortunately, no one seemed to have suffered any damage.

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